It's been a while since I've posted a blog on this forum. Is there anyone still out there who follows this blog?
If so, I encourage you to visit my full-time life journey blog. It covers more than just my struggle with BPD, although, a lot of it is interwoven.
www.bigbluemug.com
Monday, October 12, 2015
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
A Good Online Discussion
I'm going to share a discussion I have had this week- keeping the second party anonymous of course. However, I do think that the questions asked here would benefit more than just the two of us who originally had the conversation. Hopefully these are some things you've also been wondering about BPD in Christianity, and this will shed some insight for you.
1. what has brought you to your place of understanding BPD?
Well, my understanding of BPD is sponsored by Books A Million! When I first was exploring mental health (and before I was unofficially diagnosed with BPD) I knew I had something screwy going on upstairs. Just didn't know what. So I'd go to Books A Million on the nights Ryan worked late (I hate being home alone) and I would order a delicious vanilla cappuccino and read any book that had "bi polar" or "depression" on the cover. I'm a studier. An avid student. If it can be researched, I research it. I listen to human behavior seminars for FUN! So when I was finally given a diagnostic affirmation of BPD, I self-educated. Even bought "Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies". Ha! Also, just like you, I watched Youtube videos. Lots of folks video blog about their bi-polar or OCD issues. By watching a variety of people I was able to find common denominators in all of them and figure out which common traits resembled me and which didn't. It helped me grasp a sense of where I was in my own mental health state by comparing to others' video confessions.
2. What has helped you fit it into your walk of faith in Christ?
For me, it was never really a conscious task of "fitting" bpd into my walk of faith. Rather, it was a task of finding a balance where they could co-exist. I'm one body, they were just gonna have to share as far as I was concerned! But what WAS and has continued to be a conscious task is not letting my faith give ground to BPD. Bpd raised a ton of questions that presented ample opportunity for doubt and bitterness (in which I indulged for a while). But now I kinda see my heart and mind as this battle ground; the old-fashioned kind where the British are lined up against the Americans. One force is going to have to march forward and take more ground, while the other force gives ground. Any Christian with BPD has to know that it is not okay for faith to give ground to BPD. To high-tail it and run while BPD takes the field is not Faith's job description, so if that takes place, it's on me. Don't know if all that jabber actually answered your question or not, but there ya go. haha.
3. What helps you most through your daily journey?
I don't know the answer to that. Honestly. I'm as surprised as anyone most days that I skid into the parking lot of my apartment still intact. I think I would better answer this question if I could determine was makes a day a "success". Then I could tell you what helps me attain that "success" on my daily journey. But I'm really struggling with the concept right now that if I have even one tantrum or explosive moment, the day is lost. It's another tally mark on a wall of days failed. So until my vantage point of success takes a healthier standpoint, it's hard to determine what is most helpful.
4. How about in times of struggle?
Physically speaking, talking to myself seems to help- if by "struggle" you mean the heated point where you feel yourself losing control (or the will to control) your emotions. I will talk very detailed to myself what I'm feeling. For instance, my printer at work isn't printing. No matter what I've tried that day, it is just malfunctioning. That's a huge trigger for me; seemingly unconquerable obstacles. It makes my blood boil. So in moments like that I'll begin saying (through gritted teeth at times) "I am feeling very angry. I do not like when things are difficult. I feel like life picks on me. I feel like this always happens to me." The reason I've found this helpful is because of....(Sigh, I hate to say it) Dr. Phil. Yep. Don't judge. haha. Dr Phil said something the other day that validates the "talking to myself" that I've been doing long before I heard his statement. He said "anger and tantrums is a last resort when you've run out of ways to communicate". You run out of words or you feel like your not being heard, what do you do? You get louder. Bigger. You hit, throw, yell. So the talking to myself is a way that I can slowly release what I'm feeling moment by moment without it bottling up and boiling over.
Hope that helps! :D
1. what has brought you to your place of understanding BPD?
Well, my understanding of BPD is sponsored by Books A Million! When I first was exploring mental health (and before I was unofficially diagnosed with BPD) I knew I had something screwy going on upstairs. Just didn't know what. So I'd go to Books A Million on the nights Ryan worked late (I hate being home alone) and I would order a delicious vanilla cappuccino and read any book that had "bi polar" or "depression" on the cover. I'm a studier. An avid student. If it can be researched, I research it. I listen to human behavior seminars for FUN! So when I was finally given a diagnostic affirmation of BPD, I self-educated. Even bought "Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies". Ha! Also, just like you, I watched Youtube videos. Lots of folks video blog about their bi-polar or OCD issues. By watching a variety of people I was able to find common denominators in all of them and figure out which common traits resembled me and which didn't. It helped me grasp a sense of where I was in my own mental health state by comparing to others' video confessions.
2. What has helped you fit it into your walk of faith in Christ?
For me, it was never really a conscious task of "fitting" bpd into my walk of faith. Rather, it was a task of finding a balance where they could co-exist. I'm one body, they were just gonna have to share as far as I was concerned! But what WAS and has continued to be a conscious task is not letting my faith give ground to BPD. Bpd raised a ton of questions that presented ample opportunity for doubt and bitterness (in which I indulged for a while). But now I kinda see my heart and mind as this battle ground; the old-fashioned kind where the British are lined up against the Americans. One force is going to have to march forward and take more ground, while the other force gives ground. Any Christian with BPD has to know that it is not okay for faith to give ground to BPD. To high-tail it and run while BPD takes the field is not Faith's job description, so if that takes place, it's on me. Don't know if all that jabber actually answered your question or not, but there ya go. haha.
3. What helps you most through your daily journey?
I don't know the answer to that. Honestly. I'm as surprised as anyone most days that I skid into the parking lot of my apartment still intact. I think I would better answer this question if I could determine was makes a day a "success". Then I could tell you what helps me attain that "success" on my daily journey. But I'm really struggling with the concept right now that if I have even one tantrum or explosive moment, the day is lost. It's another tally mark on a wall of days failed. So until my vantage point of success takes a healthier standpoint, it's hard to determine what is most helpful.
4. How about in times of struggle?
Physically speaking, talking to myself seems to help- if by "struggle" you mean the heated point where you feel yourself losing control (or the will to control) your emotions. I will talk very detailed to myself what I'm feeling. For instance, my printer at work isn't printing. No matter what I've tried that day, it is just malfunctioning. That's a huge trigger for me; seemingly unconquerable obstacles. It makes my blood boil. So in moments like that I'll begin saying (through gritted teeth at times) "I am feeling very angry. I do not like when things are difficult. I feel like life picks on me. I feel like this always happens to me." The reason I've found this helpful is because of....(Sigh, I hate to say it) Dr. Phil. Yep. Don't judge. haha. Dr Phil said something the other day that validates the "talking to myself" that I've been doing long before I heard his statement. He said "anger and tantrums is a last resort when you've run out of ways to communicate". You run out of words or you feel like your not being heard, what do you do? You get louder. Bigger. You hit, throw, yell. So the talking to myself is a way that I can slowly release what I'm feeling moment by moment without it bottling up and boiling over.
Hope that helps! :D
Christian with BPD: How Do You Solve Small Problems?
So as this brief little video indicates, one of my struggles is overcoming small challenges. It's not from lack of trying. But like in this instance, I had tried (quite patiently) to solve the same problem about five times and it kept coming back failed. Small problems become bigger for me when I see no hope of solving it. They then become mountains that tower over me and mock me. By the time I get home from work every day, there have been so many things that have tested my will power and self control that I'm exhausted. People around me don't know how big of a "win" it is just to come out of a day in-tact and having no smoldering remains of friendships or job relationships. It's not that I'm a crazy, out-of-control rage-aholic, it's just that my emotions pendulum goes a little haywire inside and I have to try harder than most to maintain an outward appearance of composure and control.
Monday, May 5, 2014
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