Tired of living.

Days like this are tough. Days when nothing is wrong, but your emotions tell you that everything is wrong. The last couple of days, I've felt depression, sadness, injustice and the downright lack of will to live. And as always, I have to ask myself as a Christian, is that ok? I mean, I see all these people on Facebook posting about their blessings and how happy they are and I think to myself, "What am I missing?" And some people reading this might automatically jump to the conclusion of, "Well maybe you've just fallen out of touch with Jesus because He really is a source of great joy!"  Yes, Jesus is our source of joy. But what happens when ACTUALLY you're so in touch with the reality of Him and heaven and the future He has made for us that living here seems unbearable? What if in a sense, your closeness with Christ is the source of your

The more I experience Jesus, and the more I taste the intimacy of feeling His very breath come off the pages of Scripture and open my mind to depths of knowledge I've never touched, the less I want to be here. I have truly spectacular encounters with Christ at my kitchen table in the mornings. But rather than fill me up with joy for the day ahead, it makes me just want to sit at that kitchen table and not get up. I sometimes ask myself, "how can I experience God's presence like this and then be motivated to go to work and package CD's and print artwork as if any of it matters? How can I listen to customers complain that their cover photo's font should be scooted 1/16th of an inch to the left and me not go crazy? All these little things that people obsess over and expect ME to care about just makes me crazy!"

And once again, for all you "Jesus jukers" as my husband and I call them (*a Jesus juker is someone who constantly dodges or "jukes" your statements about the reality of your life and throws back a cheesy and unwanted scripture reference or spiritual remedy*) who would say, "But Jordan, every little thing matters as long as you do it to the glory of God!" That's very nice. Thank you. Pat yourself on the back and admire your own wisdom.
Now, back to reality....
I know that doing all things to God's glory is important. But what I can't stand is the human obsession with things that don't matter. It's not about my job being "unimportant", it's about being surrounded constantly by customers consumed with tedious details that don't make their music sound any better. Most of the music coming through this studio is abhorable. Uncreative, poorly arranged, and mediocre singing to top it off. And yet they care if the font on their CD cover needs to be nudged to the left? Wake up!
Also, just watching people scurry around the holidays filling their shopping carts with junk. Just toys upon toys upon clothes upon clothes. Standing in lines at 4am to get discounts on more stuff. There are kids I know of right now that don't have clean water to drink that can be given clean water for $140. I'm tired of the injustice of it all. People so consumed with improving their lives and making their world more convenient while kids are starving to death is outrageous.

So I guess to bring this whole blog together and summarize it in one thought:  I'm depressed today. Feeling like I'm forced to spin aimlessly in the American cycle of "work, pay bills, work, pay bills" and I feel like my life doesn't matter. The only time I get a true taste of what I was made for is in God's presence, and though I'm aware God's presence is with me everywhere I go, I am tired of having to live in a world full of selfishness and injustice. I see brokenness everywhere I look. The world is fallen and I want Christ to come back and make it all new. I feel like I have no purpose in life because everything i would ever do to try and make the world around me better is just thwarted from the start. Sigh. Thanks for listening to my pity party. Sorry if you came here today looking for something upbeat and happy. Maybe tomorrow.