Days like this are tough. Days when nothing is wrong, but your emotions tell you that everything is wrong. The last couple of days, I've felt depression, sadness, injustice and the downright lack of will to live. And as always, I have to ask myself as a Christian, is that ok? I mean, I see all these people on Facebook posting about their blessings and how happy they are and I think to myself, "What am I missing?" And some people reading this might automatically jump to the conclusion of, "Well maybe you've just fallen out of touch with Jesus because He really is a source of great joy!" Yes, Jesus is our source of joy. But what happens when ACTUALLY you're so in touch with the reality of Him and heaven and the future He has made for us that living here seems unbearable? What if in a sense, your closeness with Christ is the source of your
The more I experience Jesus, and the more I taste the intimacy of feeling His very breath come off the pages of Scripture and open my mind to depths of knowledge I've never touched, the less I want to be here. I have truly spectacular encounters with Christ at my kitchen table in the mornings. But rather than fill me up with joy for the day ahead, it makes me just want to sit at that kitchen table and not get up. I sometimes ask myself, "how can I experience God's presence like this and then be motivated to go to work and package CD's and print artwork as if any of it matters? How can I listen to customers complain that their cover photo's font should be scooted 1/16th of an inch to the left and me not go crazy? All these little things that people obsess over and expect ME to care about just makes me crazy!"
And once again, for all you "Jesus jukers" as my husband and I call them (*a Jesus juker is someone who constantly dodges or "jukes" your statements about the reality of your life and throws back a cheesy and unwanted scripture reference or spiritual remedy*) who would say, "But Jordan, every little thing matters as long as you do it to the glory of God!" That's very nice. Thank you. Pat yourself on the back and admire your own wisdom.
Now, back to reality....
I know that doing all things to God's glory is important. But what I can't stand is the human obsession with things that don't matter. It's not about my job being "unimportant", it's about being surrounded constantly by customers consumed with tedious details that don't make their music sound any better. Most of the music coming through this studio is abhorable. Uncreative, poorly arranged, and mediocre singing to top it off. And yet they care if the font on their CD cover needs to be nudged to the left? Wake up!
Also, just watching people scurry around the holidays filling their shopping carts with junk. Just toys upon toys upon clothes upon clothes. Standing in lines at 4am to get discounts on more stuff. There are kids I know of right now that don't have clean water to drink that can be given clean water for $140. I'm tired of the injustice of it all. People so consumed with improving their lives and making their world more convenient while kids are starving to death is outrageous.
So I guess to bring this whole blog together and summarize it in one thought: I'm depressed today. Feeling like I'm forced to spin aimlessly in the American cycle of "work, pay bills, work, pay bills" and I feel like my life doesn't matter. The only time I get a true taste of what I was made for is in God's presence, and though I'm aware God's presence is with me everywhere I go, I am tired of having to live in a world full of selfishness and injustice. I see brokenness everywhere I look. The world is fallen and I want Christ to come back and make it all new. I feel like I have no purpose in life because everything i would ever do to try and make the world around me better is just thwarted from the start. Sigh. Thanks for listening to my pity party. Sorry if you came here today looking for something upbeat and happy. Maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Inside the mind of a BPD
Chances are you're reading this blog because you have interest in learning about BPD. If you're a family member that wants to know what goes through a BPD's mind and thus fuels their emotional episodes, here ya go. This is out of my journal and I want to share it so you can see how rejection/abandonment triggers extreme distress in the mind and heart of a BPD.
9-30-13:
I hate life right now. NOBODY understands me. Everything I feel is ALWAYS wrong! Nobody ever tells me that I'm right. It's always me that has "misunderstood" or "didn't hear that right" or "has no right to be upset" or is "making too big a deal" about something. I want to leave my church and here's why:
I helped build this church from the ground up. I was there putting nails in the wall and paint on the doors til 1a.m. when most nights nobody else felt like showing up. I have PROVED my desire to be there and to be a part of it. I slept in the computer room floor of my neighbor's house when my pastor's family (who i was living with at the time) had family over and there wasn't room for me. I never took salary even though I built the band, administrated rehearsals and delivered impeccable quality of worship music. And then this past year when they finally decided to pay Ryan and I something, it equals to $47 a week. Over the last two and a half years I have been overlooked and ignored. I even called a meeting to address these feelings with the church's two pastors. After expressing my feelings about the complete lack of any votes of confidence via opportunities to teach or lead any sort of studies, one pastor made me this list of promises:
1.) Jordan, I think the tension between you and I has been that after so long of doing life and ministry together I just took off and started doing my own thing without you and you felt abandoned. So Jordan here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna find something that we can do together. Just me and you. Whether it's prison ministry, writing songs together, we're gonna find something that's OURS.
It's two years later and he never once came back with a single idea on anything he wanted to try together. not one.
2.) Also Jordan, no matter what, from now on you and I are going to start Sunday mornings at the altar at 9am and we are going to pray for God to work in this friendship and in this church.
He did this for two weeks in a row and then quit showing up.
(A FEW MONTHS LATER, HE MADE THESE PROMISES)
3.) You know Jordan, I've been needing some fun in my life. Let's you and I go to the studio and just write some country songs, just for the heck of it.
So, a few days later I stopped by his house and he was working on the computer. I said "hey i'm headed to the studio. you should come up there if you're free", to which he responded "yeah I'd love to do that! let me finish this graphic and I'll text you and let you know when i'm on the way." So i sat at the studio for 3 hours, waiting and waiting, and he never sent a text. Not even a text to say "hey I can't make it", just never showed and never told me why. This happened one more time where he said he would text me and let me know, and as a result left me waiting at the studio alone only for him to never come.
But like an idiot, 5 more times over the next month I texted him to try and get him to come hang out. Never responded to the texts. Just silence. So I gave up.
4.) After all that he comes up to me on a Sunday morning, "Ya know Jordan we still gotta do some writing. My wife says I need to quit focusing on serious stuff all the time and just have fun. So if it's ok with you I'm gonna text you this week and we can go to the studio and write. I've got this song idea".
like an idiot again i got excited about it. It never happened.
5.) Another Sunday morning he comes up to me "jordan you're really good at the blogging thing and I've got a ministry project that's gonna require some video blogs and different things. I'm gonna be calling you this week and we need to get together so you can teach me a few things and bring some fresh perspective".
He never called.
6.) Another Sunday, some church planters from Little Rock visited our church and so the pastors invited them to lunch after service. Because my husband and I are "on staff" they decided to invite us along. So as we're all sitting at Cracker Barrel eating lunch, the same pastor looks at Ryan and me and says "Man we need to do this again. Let's have dinner at our house this week. My wife makes a mean chicken fried steak and I'd suggest we do that except that's what ya'll are eating now. So something else probably. But Ryan, yeah, i'll text ya'll this week and we're gonna do dinner."
Never got one text or call. And haven't been invited or followed with since. It's been a month now.
I'm tired of getting ignored for ministry opportunities. I'm tired of feel under-valued and left out. I'm tired of being rotated in and out of being counted worthy of relationship based on whatever hair-brained idea the pastor is fancied with at the moment.
I want to look this pastor in the face and say "Ryan and I have been here from the ground up. Yeah, we're not socialites and don't start conversations at parties. But we minister A LOT one-on-one and have the personal messages and texts from various people to prove it. We put the nails in the walls and you have just shunned us. Having not once in 10 months called us just see how it's going, let alone have us to your home like friends. And tell me this: we deserve more respect than you've shown us in a long time. Tell me two other people you're going to find that are going to be able to bring what we bring on Sunday mornings for $47 a week. And if you can, give me their names and I'll call them to take our place in a heartbeat and maybe Ryan and I can finally find a church that treats us like family, not pawns.
9-30-13:
I hate life right now. NOBODY understands me. Everything I feel is ALWAYS wrong! Nobody ever tells me that I'm right. It's always me that has "misunderstood" or "didn't hear that right" or "has no right to be upset" or is "making too big a deal" about something. I want to leave my church and here's why:
I helped build this church from the ground up. I was there putting nails in the wall and paint on the doors til 1a.m. when most nights nobody else felt like showing up. I have PROVED my desire to be there and to be a part of it. I slept in the computer room floor of my neighbor's house when my pastor's family (who i was living with at the time) had family over and there wasn't room for me. I never took salary even though I built the band, administrated rehearsals and delivered impeccable quality of worship music. And then this past year when they finally decided to pay Ryan and I something, it equals to $47 a week. Over the last two and a half years I have been overlooked and ignored. I even called a meeting to address these feelings with the church's two pastors. After expressing my feelings about the complete lack of any votes of confidence via opportunities to teach or lead any sort of studies, one pastor made me this list of promises:
1.) Jordan, I think the tension between you and I has been that after so long of doing life and ministry together I just took off and started doing my own thing without you and you felt abandoned. So Jordan here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna find something that we can do together. Just me and you. Whether it's prison ministry, writing songs together, we're gonna find something that's OURS.
It's two years later and he never once came back with a single idea on anything he wanted to try together. not one.
2.) Also Jordan, no matter what, from now on you and I are going to start Sunday mornings at the altar at 9am and we are going to pray for God to work in this friendship and in this church.
He did this for two weeks in a row and then quit showing up.
(A FEW MONTHS LATER, HE MADE THESE PROMISES)
3.) You know Jordan, I've been needing some fun in my life. Let's you and I go to the studio and just write some country songs, just for the heck of it.
So, a few days later I stopped by his house and he was working on the computer. I said "hey i'm headed to the studio. you should come up there if you're free", to which he responded "yeah I'd love to do that! let me finish this graphic and I'll text you and let you know when i'm on the way." So i sat at the studio for 3 hours, waiting and waiting, and he never sent a text. Not even a text to say "hey I can't make it", just never showed and never told me why. This happened one more time where he said he would text me and let me know, and as a result left me waiting at the studio alone only for him to never come.
But like an idiot, 5 more times over the next month I texted him to try and get him to come hang out. Never responded to the texts. Just silence. So I gave up.
4.) After all that he comes up to me on a Sunday morning, "Ya know Jordan we still gotta do some writing. My wife says I need to quit focusing on serious stuff all the time and just have fun. So if it's ok with you I'm gonna text you this week and we can go to the studio and write. I've got this song idea".
like an idiot again i got excited about it. It never happened.
5.) Another Sunday morning he comes up to me "jordan you're really good at the blogging thing and I've got a ministry project that's gonna require some video blogs and different things. I'm gonna be calling you this week and we need to get together so you can teach me a few things and bring some fresh perspective".
He never called.
6.) Another Sunday, some church planters from Little Rock visited our church and so the pastors invited them to lunch after service. Because my husband and I are "on staff" they decided to invite us along. So as we're all sitting at Cracker Barrel eating lunch, the same pastor looks at Ryan and me and says "Man we need to do this again. Let's have dinner at our house this week. My wife makes a mean chicken fried steak and I'd suggest we do that except that's what ya'll are eating now. So something else probably. But Ryan, yeah, i'll text ya'll this week and we're gonna do dinner."
Never got one text or call. And haven't been invited or followed with since. It's been a month now.
I'm tired of getting ignored for ministry opportunities. I'm tired of feel under-valued and left out. I'm tired of being rotated in and out of being counted worthy of relationship based on whatever hair-brained idea the pastor is fancied with at the moment.
I want to look this pastor in the face and say "Ryan and I have been here from the ground up. Yeah, we're not socialites and don't start conversations at parties. But we minister A LOT one-on-one and have the personal messages and texts from various people to prove it. We put the nails in the walls and you have just shunned us. Having not once in 10 months called us just see how it's going, let alone have us to your home like friends. And tell me this: we deserve more respect than you've shown us in a long time. Tell me two other people you're going to find that are going to be able to bring what we bring on Sunday mornings for $47 a week. And if you can, give me their names and I'll call them to take our place in a heartbeat and maybe Ryan and I can finally find a church that treats us like family, not pawns.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Is there any help to be found?
Hopeless. That is the feeling tonight. Will the chaos ever cease? I feel alone tonight. Misunderstood. Condemned for not being spiritually sound enough; made to feel that if only I had a better concept of who Christ is or if my priorities somehow were better aligned that all this would go away. I feel like every statement I make to try to help people understand better what I'm going through, ironically, the less they understand. I can't get anyone to see that my problems aren't solely a spiritual problem, that I am actually in need of practical daily life skills and just wish that someone might offer some 1. 2. 3. steps to solve problems rather than pitch another bible verse or propose a kink in my theology. I wish people that I turn to would stop automatically linking my illness with my faith. I actually have an intimate and special relationship with Christ that I engage in daily, beginning with my morning coffee and His word open. I do receive revelation from Him and feel His voice in my heart often, even correcting and reproving me on behavioral and heart-related issues concerning my earthly relationships. But people assume that because I am experiencing chaos and emotional turmoil that it must be a kink in my view of God. Does it ever occur to anyone that it's not a faith issue, that it's MEDICAL????
If an amputee went to a Christian counselor and said, "Man i'm having such a hard time in physical therapy, I just can't get used to living life with my arm missing. I can't cook, drive, or even give my kids a full hug..." would that counselor say to that person, "Well, you're inability to complete daily tasks isn't due to your physical obstacle, it's simply that you need to better understand Christ. Seek Christ instead of seeking what Christ can do for you." No. I imagine that the amputee was probably just going to someone for some comradory, to hear a voice say, "I know it's tough but let's figure out some alternative ways to cook and drive with one arm. We can do this. I love you."
Having BPD is like having an emotional limb missing. The stabilizing factor that is supposed to help you see problems in a rational light and navigate through challenges until they are overcome is cut off and we're left straggling trying to take care of ourselves with a major gap in our mental coordination. My relationship with Christ is my own, He disciples me and teaches me and I can attest personally to my continual progress via my private journals. And I don't want to feel like I have to defend my relationship with Christ when I admit to a fellow Christian that I have a struggle and ask for help.
If an amputee went to a Christian counselor and said, "Man i'm having such a hard time in physical therapy, I just can't get used to living life with my arm missing. I can't cook, drive, or even give my kids a full hug..." would that counselor say to that person, "Well, you're inability to complete daily tasks isn't due to your physical obstacle, it's simply that you need to better understand Christ. Seek Christ instead of seeking what Christ can do for you." No. I imagine that the amputee was probably just going to someone for some comradory, to hear a voice say, "I know it's tough but let's figure out some alternative ways to cook and drive with one arm. We can do this. I love you."
Having BPD is like having an emotional limb missing. The stabilizing factor that is supposed to help you see problems in a rational light and navigate through challenges until they are overcome is cut off and we're left straggling trying to take care of ourselves with a major gap in our mental coordination. My relationship with Christ is my own, He disciples me and teaches me and I can attest personally to my continual progress via my private journals. And I don't want to feel like I have to defend my relationship with Christ when I admit to a fellow Christian that I have a struggle and ask for help.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
If Healing Never Comes...
I am a born-again Christian who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. But long before I had a name for what I was going through, I was praying for healing.
"God, please help me get onto the other side of this depression", which, depression was the only thing I knew to call it at the time because I had never heard of Borderline Disorder.
Yet with every untimely emotional outburst I would heap on additional inner turmoil that stemmed from feelings of having been betrayed by God. After all, I had prayed wholeheartedly believing that when I said "amen", I would rise up off my knees a different woman. That somehow I had prayed "the right thing" and would now be able to walk through life with an emotional force-field shielding me from ever having an episode again. And yet....an episode would come. Bam. Betrayal (or at least what felt like it.)
"God, you are ABLE to heal me and you just WON'T. What kind of God can see His child suffer, hear them call for help and yet do NOTHING??"
"God, don't you see how hard I'm trying? Why won't you help me? Don't you know how badly I fear running people off and yet I can't stop this!"
About 8 or 9 months after my clinical affirmation that I was indeed suffering from BPD, God planted a thought in my heart... "start a video blog". At first the idea sounded kind of fun, then as I thought more on the idea, I became very afraid. Very few of my family members and even fewer of my friends know that I have BPD. Putting myself out there on YouTube as a public face for Christians with BPD could be social suicide. I put off making the first video for weeks. And finally, after a horrible day at work, I decided to pull out my phone and push the video record button. I spilled everything into a 9 minute video blog and created a YouTube channel for Christians with BPD. I posted the video....AND DIDN'T CHECK IT FOR WEEKS BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED TO READ THE COMMENTS. Finally I got brave enough to just look and see if anyone had watched the video. To my surprise I had like 5 comments, all from Christians dealing with the same thing I am. My excitement sky-rocketed and over the last 6 weeks or so my channel has only grown and branched out with Twitter and Facebook; now I'm in daily contact with people and getting to hear stories from sisters and brothers in Christ who are in the fight with me.
IF THE HEALING NEVER COMES....
I share all that to get to this point: I had a conversation with one of those blog viewers not long ago and he said something that God would later use to completely redefine the word "healing" for me. He said, "I've just come to terms that I'm ok even if the healing never comes."
The very first name of God I learned was Jehovah Rapha, which is Hebrew for "God is Healer". If God IS Healer, then it is impossible for healing NOT to come. It is WHO God is to heal, not merely something He DOES. Healing is who He is, not what He does.
Over the weeks having connected to the blog community, I began noticing (and my husband noticed as well) that my episodes hadn't been as violent lately and that I hadn't had nearly as many. I was waking up thinking about those subscribers and praying for them as I remembered stories of their struggles. My eyes were beginning to shift outward to others, rather than turn further inward to myself. It hit me...I am healing. And why? Because for the first time in the longest time, I had PURPOSE. And it wasn't in spite of my struggle but rather BECAUSE of it!!
The next day after that conversation with a viewer, I sat down with my morning coffee and opened my bible. Right then and there God very clearly spoke in my heart (not out loud) these words:
"Healing isn't always a regaining of what you've lost, but a renewing of what you have gained". My heart leaped and I immediately knew that I had heard God's voice. It was so profound. All this time I had been praying for healing, expecting that God was going to give back to me all the things I'd lost as a result of my journey with BPD. But rather, He was renewing the purpose in what I had gained, which was in fact, a mental illness.
So you needn't try to figure out what you'll do with yourself if healing never comes. Because if you are in Christ, that possibility is not an option. Healing will come because He IS healer. However, healing may look very different than you expect. Jesus is actually very fond of breaking the stigma of appearances. Just look at what he tells his disciples:
"God, please help me get onto the other side of this depression", which, depression was the only thing I knew to call it at the time because I had never heard of Borderline Disorder.
Yet with every untimely emotional outburst I would heap on additional inner turmoil that stemmed from feelings of having been betrayed by God. After all, I had prayed wholeheartedly believing that when I said "amen", I would rise up off my knees a different woman. That somehow I had prayed "the right thing" and would now be able to walk through life with an emotional force-field shielding me from ever having an episode again. And yet....an episode would come. Bam. Betrayal (or at least what felt like it.)
"God, you are ABLE to heal me and you just WON'T. What kind of God can see His child suffer, hear them call for help and yet do NOTHING??"
"God, don't you see how hard I'm trying? Why won't you help me? Don't you know how badly I fear running people off and yet I can't stop this!"
About 8 or 9 months after my clinical affirmation that I was indeed suffering from BPD, God planted a thought in my heart... "start a video blog". At first the idea sounded kind of fun, then as I thought more on the idea, I became very afraid. Very few of my family members and even fewer of my friends know that I have BPD. Putting myself out there on YouTube as a public face for Christians with BPD could be social suicide. I put off making the first video for weeks. And finally, after a horrible day at work, I decided to pull out my phone and push the video record button. I spilled everything into a 9 minute video blog and created a YouTube channel for Christians with BPD. I posted the video....AND DIDN'T CHECK IT FOR WEEKS BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED TO READ THE COMMENTS. Finally I got brave enough to just look and see if anyone had watched the video. To my surprise I had like 5 comments, all from Christians dealing with the same thing I am. My excitement sky-rocketed and over the last 6 weeks or so my channel has only grown and branched out with Twitter and Facebook; now I'm in daily contact with people and getting to hear stories from sisters and brothers in Christ who are in the fight with me.
IF THE HEALING NEVER COMES....
I share all that to get to this point: I had a conversation with one of those blog viewers not long ago and he said something that God would later use to completely redefine the word "healing" for me. He said, "I've just come to terms that I'm ok even if the healing never comes."
The very first name of God I learned was Jehovah Rapha, which is Hebrew for "God is Healer". If God IS Healer, then it is impossible for healing NOT to come. It is WHO God is to heal, not merely something He DOES. Healing is who He is, not what He does.
Over the weeks having connected to the blog community, I began noticing (and my husband noticed as well) that my episodes hadn't been as violent lately and that I hadn't had nearly as many. I was waking up thinking about those subscribers and praying for them as I remembered stories of their struggles. My eyes were beginning to shift outward to others, rather than turn further inward to myself. It hit me...I am healing. And why? Because for the first time in the longest time, I had PURPOSE. And it wasn't in spite of my struggle but rather BECAUSE of it!!
The next day after that conversation with a viewer, I sat down with my morning coffee and opened my bible. Right then and there God very clearly spoke in my heart (not out loud) these words:
"Healing isn't always a regaining of what you've lost, but a renewing of what you have gained". My heart leaped and I immediately knew that I had heard God's voice. It was so profound. All this time I had been praying for healing, expecting that God was going to give back to me all the things I'd lost as a result of my journey with BPD. But rather, He was renewing the purpose in what I had gained, which was in fact, a mental illness.
So you needn't try to figure out what you'll do with yourself if healing never comes. Because if you are in Christ, that possibility is not an option. Healing will come because He IS healer. However, healing may look very different than you expect. Jesus is actually very fond of breaking the stigma of appearances. Just look at what he tells his disciples:
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Jesus broke the stigma of appearances by showing His disciples that He isn't always found in the format we envision Him (robed with glory and in a lofty throne). Rather, we serve Him when we serve the lowliest of mankind.
I believe the same applies with healing. We envision a miraculous "lightning bolt" experience where PRESTO! We feel and look and act differently and everyone says "glory to God!" When actually, God is all about the journey. The "with" us in Emmanuel (God with us). God wants the experience of walking with us through the fire sometimes, not merely delivering us from it. And in the end, when it's all said and done, I think I know which one I will value more. How about you?
Jesus broke the stigma of appearances by showing His disciples that He isn't always found in the format we envision Him (robed with glory and in a lofty throne). Rather, we serve Him when we serve the lowliest of mankind.
I believe the same applies with healing. We envision a miraculous "lightning bolt" experience where PRESTO! We feel and look and act differently and everyone says "glory to God!" When actually, God is all about the journey. The "with" us in Emmanuel (God with us). God wants the experience of walking with us through the fire sometimes, not merely delivering us from it. And in the end, when it's all said and done, I think I know which one I will value more. How about you?
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Sunday Morning Church Is A Trigger
I've always been a shy individual. I am the type that has always opened my "inner circle" to a mere one or two people at a time, and typically only after it was well-earned by those one or two people. However, big crowds never particularly bothered me; I would just keep to myself, try to smile and make it through conversations when necessary.
However, since my Borderline Personality has become more pronounced it has become a more noticeable exploiter of my shyness which lately has resulted in full-blown social anxiety. Sunday morning church for about the past year has been triggering major anxiety, which is the polar opposite of my entire life experience. Raised up a worship leader, I've been accustomed my whole life to being in crowds, spotlight and being a well-known face in my church. I've always been comfortable in a church setting, like a second home. Well-hearsed in the right things to say, the right way to respond graciously to accolades and even more graciously to the occasional criticism that comes with the territory of being in ministry, I've sort of become a church expert. But here's the thing, I think the reason I was so comfortable in church was because I was always the "good kid". Never had a drop of alcohol, never touched a drug, I was virgin all the way up to my wedding night, over all I had every reason to feel "clean" or "accepted" in church. Honestly it probably even fed a bit of self-righteousness. But as I began having 'episodes' of extreme rage and tyrannical emotional swings and ultimately becoming a diagnosed mentally ill individual, I began feeling less and less "clean". I've begun feeling labeled. Having a disorder like BPD automatically signs you up for feeling misunderstood.
Coming back to Sunday morning anxiety, even though I have only told about 4 or 5 people in the church in detail what I'm dealing with, I feel like I'm exposed as a fraud to every eye in the room. When I step onto a stage with a guitar in my hand, I hear the Enemy's voice roar "you hypocrite! you know who you are, what you do behind closed doors. you punch holes in the wall, you break dishes, you HATE those you claim to love for no reason! and you think you're going to sing songs about loving God? You think you're fooling these people? They see right through you!! You are a fraud, a fraud, a fraud!!!" And that sad part is that the accusing voice is completely effective most of the time. This morning (a Sunday morning), as I was riding to the church building with my husband, we rounded the corner in our car and I saw the many cars parked outside the building and my heart literally dropped in panic. My biggest dread is walking through the doors and every single person having to ask that dang question "how are you?" ugh i hate that question. How I'd love to just blend in with the wallpaper, sneak to the back-row, meet Jesus in a secret place. I know I'm safe with Jesus. It's people that terrify me. What would they think if they knew? I've made the mistake of confiding in ministers that are cynical about mental illness and have accused me of being faithless or demonically oppressed. I've also confided in people only to have them get on a soapbox about their anti-medication stance. Does anyone else experience these anxieties? If yes, have you found any tactics that help you overcome them?
I posted a two-part video series blogging one of my sunday morning experiences. You can see them here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51iCBJlDoqU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZYb0dXkOqI
However, since my Borderline Personality has become more pronounced it has become a more noticeable exploiter of my shyness which lately has resulted in full-blown social anxiety. Sunday morning church for about the past year has been triggering major anxiety, which is the polar opposite of my entire life experience. Raised up a worship leader, I've been accustomed my whole life to being in crowds, spotlight and being a well-known face in my church. I've always been comfortable in a church setting, like a second home. Well-hearsed in the right things to say, the right way to respond graciously to accolades and even more graciously to the occasional criticism that comes with the territory of being in ministry, I've sort of become a church expert. But here's the thing, I think the reason I was so comfortable in church was because I was always the "good kid". Never had a drop of alcohol, never touched a drug, I was virgin all the way up to my wedding night, over all I had every reason to feel "clean" or "accepted" in church. Honestly it probably even fed a bit of self-righteousness. But as I began having 'episodes' of extreme rage and tyrannical emotional swings and ultimately becoming a diagnosed mentally ill individual, I began feeling less and less "clean". I've begun feeling labeled. Having a disorder like BPD automatically signs you up for feeling misunderstood.
Coming back to Sunday morning anxiety, even though I have only told about 4 or 5 people in the church in detail what I'm dealing with, I feel like I'm exposed as a fraud to every eye in the room. When I step onto a stage with a guitar in my hand, I hear the Enemy's voice roar "you hypocrite! you know who you are, what you do behind closed doors. you punch holes in the wall, you break dishes, you HATE those you claim to love for no reason! and you think you're going to sing songs about loving God? You think you're fooling these people? They see right through you!! You are a fraud, a fraud, a fraud!!!" And that sad part is that the accusing voice is completely effective most of the time. This morning (a Sunday morning), as I was riding to the church building with my husband, we rounded the corner in our car and I saw the many cars parked outside the building and my heart literally dropped in panic. My biggest dread is walking through the doors and every single person having to ask that dang question "how are you?" ugh i hate that question. How I'd love to just blend in with the wallpaper, sneak to the back-row, meet Jesus in a secret place. I know I'm safe with Jesus. It's people that terrify me. What would they think if they knew? I've made the mistake of confiding in ministers that are cynical about mental illness and have accused me of being faithless or demonically oppressed. I've also confided in people only to have them get on a soapbox about their anti-medication stance. Does anyone else experience these anxieties? If yes, have you found any tactics that help you overcome them?
I posted a two-part video series blogging one of my sunday morning experiences. You can see them here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51iCBJlDoqU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZYb0dXkOqI
Friday, August 2, 2013
An Overview Of Borderline Disorder in a Christian's Life
1. Christian. Christ Follower. Believer. Saint. Disciple. All of these words are ways of titling a person who has put their hope and trust in Jesus Christ as Savior.
2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness. All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
3. Inner chaos. Emptiness. Depression. Fear. Anger. Meanness. Violence. Self-Destruction. All of these are words that describe the daily routine of emotions and pain experienced by an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder.
The second list of words differs greatly from the the third list of words. And yet, somehow, I am walking the line between both worlds. I am a born-again follower of Jesus Christ, having put my trust in Him alone as the Way, Truth and Life. I have loved His Word deeply; I have experienced Him extravagantly; I've watched lives transform from one degree of glory to the next as a result of Him moving through my life and ministry. And yet, many questions form in my mind daily as I walk through life hour by hour with this Disorder.
Batten down the hatches to survive an emotional tsunami and come back out of the storm cellar 20 minutes later...this can happen 5 times in one day for me. Those tsunamis can happen when you're on a lunch date with a friend, when you're in a business meeting, when you're leading worship, dealing with a customer, counseling a mentee...even when you're praying. You can be doing everything "right" and still somehow manage to be swept off your feet into a spiraling emotional hell.
Now, this is not simply a blog about BPD... more specifically, it's a blog about being a Christian with BPD. How do I as a Christian keep believing, hoping, trusting, when my very disorder seems to defy the Truths I hold onto for dear life? I am not saying that being a Christian makes my journey harder than yours, nor am I trying to get a special sympathy. What I do suggest is that living with a faith and a disorder whose characteristics are polar opposites creates an inner paradox that I have not yet figured out what to do with.
GUILT.
Perhaps greatest and most frequent among the myriad of feelings I experience daily, GUILT takes the grand prize. People (even well-meaning people) in a BPD's close circle wonder why we can't just snap out of it. People think "All I did was cancel a lunch date, how hard is it just to move on and live the rest of your day?" Small things are huge to people like me. Why? Because BPD works like an emotional magnifying glass...especially when it comes to relationships. Having close, intimate friendships are a BPD's life source. We draw consolation from having a handful of faithful friends that are just one text away at any given time; sort of like being in a big building but knowing there are fire alarms on every wall we can pull if the place goes up in smoke.
We feel important and wanted when someone we admire gives us quality time with them. We hold quality time at an utmost significance; it resounds deep into the canyon of our souls that was dug by a hunger for meaning and importance. Thus, something as "small" as a friend saying they can't make it to lunch or "man I'm just busy right now" seems like utter rejection and abandonment. It's extremely personal. We wonder "Why don't you value spending time with me as much as I value spending it with you?" "Don't I matter to you?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why is nobody ever there for me?" "Nobody cares."
BUT FOR A CHRISTIAN: GUILT comes greatly as a result of this because Scripture says that we are defined by selflessness, that we should care more about the needs of others than our own. And yet we are obsessed with our own well-being. It's so hard to look outside ourselves and into the needs of others because our inner chaos is like a screaming 3rd degree burn on our mind and heart.
If you're reading this right now and you don't have BPD but maybe you have a loved one that does,
HEAR ME ON THIS: We WANT so badly to be less of a burden on you. We know that one day you feel like we think the world of you and then the next day you can't do anything to please us. In the middle of our episodes everything we're saying and doing actually does seem completely rational and excusable in our minds. I know it sounds crazy but we really do believe we're completely logical and justified when we say that nobody is there for us and nobody loves us; and worst, we truly believe we're justified in hating you at times. We (in our own logic) assume that you understand how "wrong" you were for whatever triggered our emotional descent and that you see it the way we do: that what you did was utter betrayal and cruelty. It's only after the "episode" subsides that we can look back in horror and realize "oh my god I'm so sorry!" And then the guilt and fear sets in. Guilt for having "done it again" and the fear that we just used up our last chance with you.
I live life feeling like I am set up for failure because:
1.) My greatest fear is that the people we love will walk out on me.
2.) Yet I cannot help but do the very thing I don't want to do...drive you away with my "craziness".
If you have BPD, people like you and me feel like we've been emotionally and psychological cursed with this disorder that has condemned us to live our worst fears. We torture ourselves by fantasizing what it will feel like on the day that our loved ones give up on us and we'll even bring ourselves to tears living it in our minds. And thus anytime friends are "too busy" or "turn us down", it triggers a violent emotional reaction because somehow we feel like that we are experiencing that abandonment that we so fearfully dread.
2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness. All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
I am a child of God. So where does BPD fit in?
Please comment and subscribe!
2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness. All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
3. Inner chaos. Emptiness. Depression. Fear. Anger. Meanness. Violence. Self-Destruction. All of these are words that describe the daily routine of emotions and pain experienced by an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder.
The second list of words differs greatly from the the third list of words. And yet, somehow, I am walking the line between both worlds. I am a born-again follower of Jesus Christ, having put my trust in Him alone as the Way, Truth and Life. I have loved His Word deeply; I have experienced Him extravagantly; I've watched lives transform from one degree of glory to the next as a result of Him moving through my life and ministry. And yet, many questions form in my mind daily as I walk through life hour by hour with this Disorder.
Batten down the hatches to survive an emotional tsunami and come back out of the storm cellar 20 minutes later...this can happen 5 times in one day for me. Those tsunamis can happen when you're on a lunch date with a friend, when you're in a business meeting, when you're leading worship, dealing with a customer, counseling a mentee...even when you're praying. You can be doing everything "right" and still somehow manage to be swept off your feet into a spiraling emotional hell.
Now, this is not simply a blog about BPD... more specifically, it's a blog about being a Christian with BPD. How do I as a Christian keep believing, hoping, trusting, when my very disorder seems to defy the Truths I hold onto for dear life? I am not saying that being a Christian makes my journey harder than yours, nor am I trying to get a special sympathy. What I do suggest is that living with a faith and a disorder whose characteristics are polar opposites creates an inner paradox that I have not yet figured out what to do with.
GUILT.
Perhaps greatest and most frequent among the myriad of feelings I experience daily, GUILT takes the grand prize. People (even well-meaning people) in a BPD's close circle wonder why we can't just snap out of it. People think "All I did was cancel a lunch date, how hard is it just to move on and live the rest of your day?" Small things are huge to people like me. Why? Because BPD works like an emotional magnifying glass...especially when it comes to relationships. Having close, intimate friendships are a BPD's life source. We draw consolation from having a handful of faithful friends that are just one text away at any given time; sort of like being in a big building but knowing there are fire alarms on every wall we can pull if the place goes up in smoke.
We feel important and wanted when someone we admire gives us quality time with them. We hold quality time at an utmost significance; it resounds deep into the canyon of our souls that was dug by a hunger for meaning and importance. Thus, something as "small" as a friend saying they can't make it to lunch or "man I'm just busy right now" seems like utter rejection and abandonment. It's extremely personal. We wonder "Why don't you value spending time with me as much as I value spending it with you?" "Don't I matter to you?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why is nobody ever there for me?" "Nobody cares."
BUT FOR A CHRISTIAN: GUILT comes greatly as a result of this because Scripture says that we are defined by selflessness, that we should care more about the needs of others than our own. And yet we are obsessed with our own well-being. It's so hard to look outside ourselves and into the needs of others because our inner chaos is like a screaming 3rd degree burn on our mind and heart.
If you're reading this right now and you don't have BPD but maybe you have a loved one that does,
HEAR ME ON THIS: We WANT so badly to be less of a burden on you. We know that one day you feel like we think the world of you and then the next day you can't do anything to please us. In the middle of our episodes everything we're saying and doing actually does seem completely rational and excusable in our minds. I know it sounds crazy but we really do believe we're completely logical and justified when we say that nobody is there for us and nobody loves us; and worst, we truly believe we're justified in hating you at times. We (in our own logic) assume that you understand how "wrong" you were for whatever triggered our emotional descent and that you see it the way we do: that what you did was utter betrayal and cruelty. It's only after the "episode" subsides that we can look back in horror and realize "oh my god I'm so sorry!" And then the guilt and fear sets in. Guilt for having "done it again" and the fear that we just used up our last chance with you.
I live life feeling like I am set up for failure because:
1.) My greatest fear is that the people we love will walk out on me.
2.) Yet I cannot help but do the very thing I don't want to do...drive you away with my "craziness".
If you have BPD, people like you and me feel like we've been emotionally and psychological cursed with this disorder that has condemned us to live our worst fears. We torture ourselves by fantasizing what it will feel like on the day that our loved ones give up on us and we'll even bring ourselves to tears living it in our minds. And thus anytime friends are "too busy" or "turn us down", it triggers a violent emotional reaction because somehow we feel like that we are experiencing that abandonment that we so fearfully dread.
2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness. All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
I am a child of God. So where does BPD fit in?
Please comment and subscribe!
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