If Healing Never Comes...

               I am a born-again Christian who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  But long before I had a name for what I was going through, I was praying for healing.
 "God, please help me get onto the other side of this depression", which, depression was the only thing I knew to call it at the time because I had never heard of Borderline Disorder.
              Yet with every untimely emotional outburst I would heap on additional inner turmoil that stemmed from feelings of having been betrayed by God.  After all, I had prayed wholeheartedly believing that when I said "amen", I would rise up off my knees a different woman.  That somehow I had prayed "the right thing" and would now be able to walk through life with an emotional force-field shielding me from ever having an episode again.  And yet....an episode would come. Bam. Betrayal (or at least what felt like it.)
"God, you are ABLE to heal me and you just WON'T. What kind of God can see His child suffer, hear them call for help and yet do NOTHING??"
"God, don't you see how hard I'm trying? Why won't you help me? Don't you know how badly I fear running people off and yet I can't stop this!"

               About 8 or 9 months after my clinical affirmation that I was indeed suffering from BPD, God planted a thought in my heart... "start a video blog".  At first the idea sounded kind of fun, then as I thought more on the idea, I became very afraid. Very few of my family members and even fewer of my friends know that I have BPD.  Putting myself out there on YouTube as a public face for Christians with BPD could be social suicide. I put off making the first video for weeks. And finally, after a horrible day at work, I decided to pull out my phone and push the video record button.  I spilled everything into a 9 minute video blog and created a YouTube channel for Christians with BPD.  I posted the video....AND DIDN'T CHECK IT FOR WEEKS BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED TO READ THE COMMENTS. Finally I got brave enough to just look and see if anyone had watched the video. To my surprise I had like 5 comments, all from Christians dealing with the same thing I am. My excitement sky-rocketed and over the last 6 weeks or so my channel has only grown and branched out with Twitter and Facebook; now I'm in daily contact with people and getting to hear stories from sisters and brothers in Christ who are in the fight with me.

                IF THE HEALING NEVER COMES....
                   I share all that to get to this point:  I had a conversation with one of those blog viewers not long ago and he said something that God would later use to completely redefine the word "healing" for me.  He said, "I've just come to terms that I'm ok even if the healing never comes."
                  The very first name of God I learned was Jehovah Rapha, which is Hebrew for "God is Healer". If God IS Healer, then it is impossible for healing NOT to come. It is WHO God is to heal, not merely something He DOES.  Healing is who He is, not what He does.
                 Over the weeks having connected to the blog community, I began noticing (and my husband noticed as well) that my episodes hadn't been as violent lately and that I hadn't had nearly as many.  I was waking up thinking about those subscribers and praying for them as I remembered stories of their struggles.  My eyes were beginning to shift outward to others, rather than turn further inward to myself.  It hit me...I am healing.  And why? Because for the first time in the longest time, I had PURPOSE. And it wasn't in spite of my struggle but rather BECAUSE of it!!
                The next day after that conversation with a viewer, I sat down with my morning coffee and opened my bible. Right then and there God very clearly spoke in my heart (not out loud) these words:
           "Healing isn't always a regaining of what you've lost, but a renewing of what you have gained".  My heart leaped and I immediately knew that I had heard God's voice.  It was so profound. All this time I had been praying for healing, expecting that God was going to give back to me all the things I'd lost as a result of my journey with BPD. But rather, He was renewing the purpose in what I had gained, which was in fact, a mental illness.
           So you needn't try to figure out what you'll do with yourself if healing never comes. Because if you are in Christ, that possibility is not an option. Healing will come because He IS healer. However, healing may look very different than you expect. Jesus is actually very fond of breaking the stigma of appearances. Just look at what he tells his disciples:

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

  Jesus broke the stigma of appearances by showing His disciples that He isn't always found in the format we envision Him (robed with glory and in a lofty throne). Rather, we serve Him when we serve the lowliest of mankind.
I believe the same applies with healing.  We envision a miraculous "lightning bolt" experience where PRESTO! We feel and look and act differently and everyone says "glory to God!" When actually, God is all about the journey. The "with" us in Emmanuel (God with us). God wants the experience of walking with us through the fire sometimes, not merely delivering us from it.  And in the end, when it's all said and done, I think I know which one I will value more. How about you?

Christian with BPD: Surviving An Episode

Sunday Morning Church Is A Trigger

I've always been a shy individual. I am the type that has always opened my "inner circle" to a mere one or two people at a time, and typically only after it was well-earned by those one or two people.  However, big crowds never particularly bothered me; I would just keep to myself, try to smile and make it through conversations when necessary.

However, since my Borderline Personality has become more pronounced it has become a more noticeable exploiter of my shyness which lately has resulted in full-blown social anxiety.  Sunday morning church for about the past year has been triggering major anxiety, which is the polar opposite of my entire life experience. Raised up a worship leader, I've been accustomed my whole life to being in crowds, spotlight and being a well-known face in my church. I've always been comfortable in a church setting, like a second home. Well-hearsed in the right things to say, the right way to respond graciously to accolades and even more graciously to the occasional criticism that comes with the territory of being in ministry, I've sort of become a church expert. But here's the thing, I think the reason I was so comfortable in church was because I was always the "good kid". Never had a drop of alcohol, never touched a drug, I was virgin all the way up to my wedding night, over all I had every reason to feel "clean" or "accepted" in church. Honestly it probably even fed a bit of self-righteousness. But as I began having 'episodes' of extreme rage and tyrannical emotional swings and ultimately becoming a diagnosed mentally ill individual, I began feeling less and less "clean". I've begun feeling labeled. Having a disorder like BPD automatically signs you up for feeling misunderstood.

Coming back to Sunday morning anxiety, even though I have only told about 4 or 5 people in the church in detail what I'm dealing with, I feel like I'm exposed as a fraud to every eye in the room. When I step onto a stage with a guitar in my hand, I hear the Enemy's voice roar "you hypocrite! you know who you are, what you do behind closed doors. you punch holes in the wall, you break dishes, you HATE those you claim to love for no reason! and you think you're going to sing songs about loving God? You think you're fooling these people? They see right through you!! You are a fraud, a fraud, a fraud!!!" And that sad part is that the accusing voice is completely effective most of the time. This morning (a Sunday morning), as I was riding to the church building with my husband, we rounded the corner in our car and I saw the many cars parked outside the building and my heart literally dropped in panic. My biggest dread is walking through the doors and every single person having to ask that dang question "how are you?"  ugh i hate that question. How I'd love to just blend in with the wallpaper, sneak to the back-row, meet Jesus in a secret place. I know I'm safe with Jesus. It's people that terrify me. What would they think if they knew? I've made the mistake of confiding in ministers that are cynical about mental illness and have accused me of being faithless or demonically oppressed. I've also confided in people only to have them get on a soapbox about their anti-medication stance. Does anyone else experience these anxieties? If yes, have you found any tactics that help you overcome them?
I posted a two-part video series blogging one of my sunday morning experiences. You can see them here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51iCBJlDoqU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZYb0dXkOqI

An Overview Of Borderline Disorder in a Christian's Life

1. Christian. Christ Follower. Believer. Saint. Disciple.  All of these words are ways of titling a person who has put their hope and trust in Jesus Christ as Savior.

2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness.  All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.

3. Inner chaos. Emptiness. Depression. Fear. Anger. Meanness. Violence. Self-Destruction.  All of these are words that describe the daily routine of emotions and pain experienced by an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The second list of words differs greatly from the the third list of words. And yet, somehow, I am walking the line between both worlds.  I am a born-again follower of Jesus Christ, having put my trust in Him alone as the Way, Truth and Life. I have loved His Word deeply; I have experienced Him extravagantly; I've watched lives transform from one degree of glory to the next as a result of Him moving through my life and ministry.  And yet, many questions form in my mind daily as I walk through life hour by hour with this Disorder.
 Batten down the hatches to survive an emotional tsunami and come back out of the storm cellar 20 minutes later...this can happen 5 times in one day for me. Those tsunamis can happen when you're on a lunch date with a friend, when you're in a business meeting, when you're leading worship, dealing with a customer, counseling a mentee...even when you're praying.  You can be doing everything "right" and still somehow manage to be swept off your feet into a spiraling emotional hell.

Now, this is not simply a blog about BPD... more specifically, it's a blog about being a Christian with BPD. How do I as a Christian keep believing, hoping, trusting, when my very disorder seems to defy the Truths I hold onto for dear life?  I am not saying that being a Christian makes my journey harder than yours, nor am I trying to get a special sympathy. What I do suggest is that living with a faith and a disorder whose characteristics are polar opposites creates an inner paradox that I have not yet figured out what to do with.

GUILT. 
             Perhaps greatest and most frequent among the myriad of feelings I experience daily, GUILT takes the grand prize.  People (even well-meaning people) in a BPD's close circle wonder why we can't just snap out of it.  People think "All I did was cancel a lunch date, how hard is it just to move on and live the rest of your day?" Small things are huge to people like me.  Why? Because BPD works like an emotional magnifying glass...especially when it comes to relationships. Having close, intimate friendships are a BPD's life source. We draw consolation from having a handful of faithful friends that are just one text away at any given time; sort of like being in a big building but knowing there are fire alarms on every wall we can pull  if the place goes up in smoke.
           We feel important and wanted when someone we admire gives us quality time with them. We hold quality time at an utmost significance; it resounds deep into the canyon of our souls that was dug by a hunger for meaning and importance. Thus, something as "small" as a friend saying they can't make it to lunch or "man I'm just busy right now" seems like utter rejection and abandonment. It's extremely personal. We wonder "Why don't you value spending time with me as much as I value spending it with you?" "Don't I matter to you?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why is nobody ever there for me?"  "Nobody cares."
BUT FOR A CHRISTIAN:  GUILT comes greatly as a result of this because Scripture says that we are defined by selflessness, that we should care more about the needs of others than our own.  And yet we are obsessed with our own well-being. It's so hard to look outside ourselves and into the needs of others because our inner chaos is like a screaming 3rd degree burn on our mind and heart.

If you're reading this right now and you don't have BPD but maybe you have a loved one that does,
HEAR ME ON THIS:  We WANT so badly to be less of a burden on you. We know that one day you feel like we think the world of you and then the next day you can't do anything to please us. In the middle of our episodes everything we're saying and doing actually does seem completely rational and excusable in our minds. I know it sounds crazy but we really do believe we're completely logical and justified when we say that nobody is there for us and nobody loves us; and worst, we truly believe we're justified in hating you at times. We (in our own logic) assume that you understand how "wrong" you were for whatever triggered our emotional descent and that you see it the way we do:  that what you did was utter betrayal and cruelty. It's only after the "episode" subsides that we can look back in horror and realize "oh my god I'm so sorry!" And then the guilt and fear sets in. Guilt for having "done it again" and the fear that we just used up our last chance with you.

I live life feeling like I am set up for failure because:
1.) My greatest fear is that the people we love will walk out on me.
2.) Yet I cannot help but do the very thing I don't want to do...drive you away with my "craziness".

If you have BPD, people like you and me feel like we've been emotionally and psychological cursed with this disorder that has condemned us to live our worst fears. We torture ourselves by fantasizing what it will feel like on the day that our loved ones give up on us and we'll even bring ourselves to tears living it in our minds. And thus anytime friends are "too busy" or "turn us down", it triggers a violent emotional reaction because somehow we feel like that we are experiencing that abandonment that we so fearfully dread.

2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness.  All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
I am a child of God. So where does BPD fit in?

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