"God, please help me get onto the other side of this depression", which, depression was the only thing I knew to call it at the time because I had never heard of Borderline Disorder.
Yet with every untimely emotional outburst I would heap on additional inner turmoil that stemmed from feelings of having been betrayed by God. After all, I had prayed wholeheartedly believing that when I said "amen", I would rise up off my knees a different woman. That somehow I had prayed "the right thing" and would now be able to walk through life with an emotional force-field shielding me from ever having an episode again. And yet....an episode would come. Bam. Betrayal (or at least what felt like it.)
"God, you are ABLE to heal me and you just WON'T. What kind of God can see His child suffer, hear them call for help and yet do NOTHING??"
"God, don't you see how hard I'm trying? Why won't you help me? Don't you know how badly I fear running people off and yet I can't stop this!"
About 8 or 9 months after my clinical affirmation that I was indeed suffering from BPD, God planted a thought in my heart... "start a video blog". At first the idea sounded kind of fun, then as I thought more on the idea, I became very afraid. Very few of my family members and even fewer of my friends know that I have BPD. Putting myself out there on YouTube as a public face for Christians with BPD could be social suicide. I put off making the first video for weeks. And finally, after a horrible day at work, I decided to pull out my phone and push the video record button. I spilled everything into a 9 minute video blog and created a YouTube channel for Christians with BPD. I posted the video....AND DIDN'T CHECK IT FOR WEEKS BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED TO READ THE COMMENTS. Finally I got brave enough to just look and see if anyone had watched the video. To my surprise I had like 5 comments, all from Christians dealing with the same thing I am. My excitement sky-rocketed and over the last 6 weeks or so my channel has only grown and branched out with Twitter and Facebook; now I'm in daily contact with people and getting to hear stories from sisters and brothers in Christ who are in the fight with me.
IF THE HEALING NEVER COMES....
I share all that to get to this point: I had a conversation with one of those blog viewers not long ago and he said something that God would later use to completely redefine the word "healing" for me. He said, "I've just come to terms that I'm ok even if the healing never comes."
The very first name of God I learned was Jehovah Rapha, which is Hebrew for "God is Healer". If God IS Healer, then it is impossible for healing NOT to come. It is WHO God is to heal, not merely something He DOES. Healing is who He is, not what He does.
Over the weeks having connected to the blog community, I began noticing (and my husband noticed as well) that my episodes hadn't been as violent lately and that I hadn't had nearly as many. I was waking up thinking about those subscribers and praying for them as I remembered stories of their struggles. My eyes were beginning to shift outward to others, rather than turn further inward to myself. It hit me...I am healing. And why? Because for the first time in the longest time, I had PURPOSE. And it wasn't in spite of my struggle but rather BECAUSE of it!!
The next day after that conversation with a viewer, I sat down with my morning coffee and opened my bible. Right then and there God very clearly spoke in my heart (not out loud) these words:
"Healing isn't always a regaining of what you've lost, but a renewing of what you have gained". My heart leaped and I immediately knew that I had heard God's voice. It was so profound. All this time I had been praying for healing, expecting that God was going to give back to me all the things I'd lost as a result of my journey with BPD. But rather, He was renewing the purpose in what I had gained, which was in fact, a mental illness.
So you needn't try to figure out what you'll do with yourself if healing never comes. Because if you are in Christ, that possibility is not an option. Healing will come because He IS healer. However, healing may look very different than you expect. Jesus is actually very fond of breaking the stigma of appearances. Just look at what he tells his disciples:
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Jesus broke the stigma of appearances by showing His disciples that He isn't always found in the format we envision Him (robed with glory and in a lofty throne). Rather, we serve Him when we serve the lowliest of mankind.
I believe the same applies with healing. We envision a miraculous "lightning bolt" experience where PRESTO! We feel and look and act differently and everyone says "glory to God!" When actually, God is all about the journey. The "with" us in Emmanuel (God with us). God wants the experience of walking with us through the fire sometimes, not merely delivering us from it. And in the end, when it's all said and done, I think I know which one I will value more. How about you?
Jesus broke the stigma of appearances by showing His disciples that He isn't always found in the format we envision Him (robed with glory and in a lofty throne). Rather, we serve Him when we serve the lowliest of mankind.
I believe the same applies with healing. We envision a miraculous "lightning bolt" experience where PRESTO! We feel and look and act differently and everyone says "glory to God!" When actually, God is all about the journey. The "with" us in Emmanuel (God with us). God wants the experience of walking with us through the fire sometimes, not merely delivering us from it. And in the end, when it's all said and done, I think I know which one I will value more. How about you?
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