Friday, August 2, 2013

An Overview Of Borderline Disorder in a Christian's Life

1. Christian. Christ Follower. Believer. Saint. Disciple.  All of these words are ways of titling a person who has put their hope and trust in Jesus Christ as Savior.

2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness.  All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.

3. Inner chaos. Emptiness. Depression. Fear. Anger. Meanness. Violence. Self-Destruction.  All of these are words that describe the daily routine of emotions and pain experienced by an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The second list of words differs greatly from the the third list of words. And yet, somehow, I am walking the line between both worlds.  I am a born-again follower of Jesus Christ, having put my trust in Him alone as the Way, Truth and Life. I have loved His Word deeply; I have experienced Him extravagantly; I've watched lives transform from one degree of glory to the next as a result of Him moving through my life and ministry.  And yet, many questions form in my mind daily as I walk through life hour by hour with this Disorder.
 Batten down the hatches to survive an emotional tsunami and come back out of the storm cellar 20 minutes later...this can happen 5 times in one day for me. Those tsunamis can happen when you're on a lunch date with a friend, when you're in a business meeting, when you're leading worship, dealing with a customer, counseling a mentee...even when you're praying.  You can be doing everything "right" and still somehow manage to be swept off your feet into a spiraling emotional hell.

Now, this is not simply a blog about BPD... more specifically, it's a blog about being a Christian with BPD. How do I as a Christian keep believing, hoping, trusting, when my very disorder seems to defy the Truths I hold onto for dear life?  I am not saying that being a Christian makes my journey harder than yours, nor am I trying to get a special sympathy. What I do suggest is that living with a faith and a disorder whose characteristics are polar opposites creates an inner paradox that I have not yet figured out what to do with.

GUILT. 
             Perhaps greatest and most frequent among the myriad of feelings I experience daily, GUILT takes the grand prize.  People (even well-meaning people) in a BPD's close circle wonder why we can't just snap out of it.  People think "All I did was cancel a lunch date, how hard is it just to move on and live the rest of your day?" Small things are huge to people like me.  Why? Because BPD works like an emotional magnifying glass...especially when it comes to relationships. Having close, intimate friendships are a BPD's life source. We draw consolation from having a handful of faithful friends that are just one text away at any given time; sort of like being in a big building but knowing there are fire alarms on every wall we can pull  if the place goes up in smoke.
           We feel important and wanted when someone we admire gives us quality time with them. We hold quality time at an utmost significance; it resounds deep into the canyon of our souls that was dug by a hunger for meaning and importance. Thus, something as "small" as a friend saying they can't make it to lunch or "man I'm just busy right now" seems like utter rejection and abandonment. It's extremely personal. We wonder "Why don't you value spending time with me as much as I value spending it with you?" "Don't I matter to you?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why is nobody ever there for me?"  "Nobody cares."
BUT FOR A CHRISTIAN:  GUILT comes greatly as a result of this because Scripture says that we are defined by selflessness, that we should care more about the needs of others than our own.  And yet we are obsessed with our own well-being. It's so hard to look outside ourselves and into the needs of others because our inner chaos is like a screaming 3rd degree burn on our mind and heart.

If you're reading this right now and you don't have BPD but maybe you have a loved one that does,
HEAR ME ON THIS:  We WANT so badly to be less of a burden on you. We know that one day you feel like we think the world of you and then the next day you can't do anything to please us. In the middle of our episodes everything we're saying and doing actually does seem completely rational and excusable in our minds. I know it sounds crazy but we really do believe we're completely logical and justified when we say that nobody is there for us and nobody loves us; and worst, we truly believe we're justified in hating you at times. We (in our own logic) assume that you understand how "wrong" you were for whatever triggered our emotional descent and that you see it the way we do:  that what you did was utter betrayal and cruelty. It's only after the "episode" subsides that we can look back in horror and realize "oh my god I'm so sorry!" And then the guilt and fear sets in. Guilt for having "done it again" and the fear that we just used up our last chance with you.

I live life feeling like I am set up for failure because:
1.) My greatest fear is that the people we love will walk out on me.
2.) Yet I cannot help but do the very thing I don't want to do...drive you away with my "craziness".

If you have BPD, people like you and me feel like we've been emotionally and psychological cursed with this disorder that has condemned us to live our worst fears. We torture ourselves by fantasizing what it will feel like on the day that our loved ones give up on us and we'll even bring ourselves to tears living it in our minds. And thus anytime friends are "too busy" or "turn us down", it triggers a violent emotional reaction because somehow we feel like that we are experiencing that abandonment that we so fearfully dread.

2. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Self-control. Gentleness.  All of these are words that Galatians chapter 5 says are the result of God's Spirit residing in a Christian.
I am a child of God. So where does BPD fit in?

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5 comments:

  1. Crying as I read this. I am not alone. I have wanted to for so long to try to put all of this into words and just can't. 39 and BPD in my late teens after so really tramic stuff. I have done regular therapy, CBT, DBT and here I am still stuck in this horrible world. It has gotten better(not in and out of the hospital anymore) but I am so tired, drained, and I do my best not to feel hopeless. My hope is in God but most days I don't get why he just doesn't give up on me.

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  2. Dear Jordan;
    I was just "outted" by one of my best friends (he's also a Christian), a counselor by profession, by getting me to read your blog so that I would recognize myself in your words. I'm 51 and have been dealing w/ exactly what you've described, literally for decades, with no clue why I felt all the pain and desolation that I did. My friend has suspected for quite a long time that I had BPD, but by his own admission, he couldn't quite see the forest for the trees. So, learning more about our malady, finding out how to work through it, and now I have your blog as a resource. Thank you for your bravery and insight. I'll be back.

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    1. Wow Greg! Thank you for taking the time to share that with me. It blesses me to be part of your journey and I encourage you to please ask questions often, I'd love to communicate and learn together with people through their stories.

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