Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sunday Morning Church Is A Trigger

I've always been a shy individual. I am the type that has always opened my "inner circle" to a mere one or two people at a time, and typically only after it was well-earned by those one or two people.  However, big crowds never particularly bothered me; I would just keep to myself, try to smile and make it through conversations when necessary.

However, since my Borderline Personality has become more pronounced it has become a more noticeable exploiter of my shyness which lately has resulted in full-blown social anxiety.  Sunday morning church for about the past year has been triggering major anxiety, which is the polar opposite of my entire life experience. Raised up a worship leader, I've been accustomed my whole life to being in crowds, spotlight and being a well-known face in my church. I've always been comfortable in a church setting, like a second home. Well-hearsed in the right things to say, the right way to respond graciously to accolades and even more graciously to the occasional criticism that comes with the territory of being in ministry, I've sort of become a church expert. But here's the thing, I think the reason I was so comfortable in church was because I was always the "good kid". Never had a drop of alcohol, never touched a drug, I was virgin all the way up to my wedding night, over all I had every reason to feel "clean" or "accepted" in church. Honestly it probably even fed a bit of self-righteousness. But as I began having 'episodes' of extreme rage and tyrannical emotional swings and ultimately becoming a diagnosed mentally ill individual, I began feeling less and less "clean". I've begun feeling labeled. Having a disorder like BPD automatically signs you up for feeling misunderstood.

Coming back to Sunday morning anxiety, even though I have only told about 4 or 5 people in the church in detail what I'm dealing with, I feel like I'm exposed as a fraud to every eye in the room. When I step onto a stage with a guitar in my hand, I hear the Enemy's voice roar "you hypocrite! you know who you are, what you do behind closed doors. you punch holes in the wall, you break dishes, you HATE those you claim to love for no reason! and you think you're going to sing songs about loving God? You think you're fooling these people? They see right through you!! You are a fraud, a fraud, a fraud!!!" And that sad part is that the accusing voice is completely effective most of the time. This morning (a Sunday morning), as I was riding to the church building with my husband, we rounded the corner in our car and I saw the many cars parked outside the building and my heart literally dropped in panic. My biggest dread is walking through the doors and every single person having to ask that dang question "how are you?"  ugh i hate that question. How I'd love to just blend in with the wallpaper, sneak to the back-row, meet Jesus in a secret place. I know I'm safe with Jesus. It's people that terrify me. What would they think if they knew? I've made the mistake of confiding in ministers that are cynical about mental illness and have accused me of being faithless or demonically oppressed. I've also confided in people only to have them get on a soapbox about their anti-medication stance. Does anyone else experience these anxieties? If yes, have you found any tactics that help you overcome them?
I posted a two-part video series blogging one of my sunday morning experiences. You can see them here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51iCBJlDoqU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZYb0dXkOqI

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